Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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