So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
