don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
