I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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