Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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