trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
