i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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