i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
