If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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