Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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