She announced her abortion via fbk
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
