My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
