my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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