my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
