So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
