No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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