i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
