hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
