I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
