So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
