Quick, to the slutcave!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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