Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
