My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Randomize
