sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
