Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
