I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sarcasm needs its own font
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
