i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
