I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
