well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want nice things and good sex
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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