Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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