my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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