dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
