She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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