I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
