dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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