tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
