Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
