remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
