I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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