My pussy is not your playground.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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