Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
