Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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