Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
