if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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