I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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