i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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