Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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