Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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