By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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