so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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